Just a Taste

Before I get started, I just wanted a quick chance to celebrate:

I've officially made it to 100 followers!! (That's 91 through the blog, 9 through email)

This just blew my mind and touched me like you guys wouldn't believe. I never, ever imagined, when I started this blog, that there would be 100--or more--people who'd ever care what I had to say. So, whether I've gotten to know you through your blog, your comments here, an email or two, or even if you're still just lurking and haven't said "hi"...I want you to know how much you all mean to me, and how much you all have blessed me in so many different ways...

As soon as my parents are out of the house, Master and I will have to put something together, maybe some more pictures or another video or something. If there's something in particular you'd like to see, let me know! This surprise is for you guys, after all!

Thanks again for reading!

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Yesterday, my mom went down to clean the apartment and finish getting it ready, so we can hand the keys back in. We offered to help, but she insisted we'd only slow her down, so, instead, we stayed here at the house.

It was the first time the two of us have been alone--really, truly alone--in I-don't-know-how-long.

Mostly, though, it involved us moving things around, trying to get everything where we want it. I tried my hardest to keep myself together, but I've really been struggling lately. I love my mom dearly, but being around her this much, especially when she's in stress-out mode, usually means she comes down really hard on me and makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough...

So, in the process of cleaning things up, I lost it. It was over something stupid...the position of some shelves in the bathroom...but, knowing I couldn't have it just right upset me and made me act out.

Thankfully, Master knows me better than that. Instead of yelling at me, or punishing me, He took me into the living room and laid down beside me on the air-mattress that's been our bed/couch this week. He stroked my hair and hugged me and let me talk out all my angry, hurt feelings of the past week, dispelling some of my worries and fears...

Then He marched me back to our bedroom.

The room's mostly empty right now, with the exception of a few tubs of laundry and an exercise bike. We talked about where we'd like things to go, and He told me how much more room we'd have now, for play or whatever we wanted to do back there...

Earlier in the week, we packed up our kink stuff and brought it into the house; except for the canes (which are still hiding in the car), we could fit everything into two big duffle bags, which we stuffed in the back of the closet, out of view.

He started digging through one of them, tossed a blindfold at me, then walked out of the room without a word. I wasn't sure what He was planning, but I slipped it over my eyes and knelt on the floor, waiting for Him.

I didn't have to wait long. He stalked over to me, grabbed a fistful of my hair, and forced me onto my feet. Then my clothes started coming off: I stood helplessly as He undressed me, pulling down my shorts and panties, tugging my shirt over my head. I braced myself against the wall, eagerly anticipating the first blow...

I knew He was holding His belt; I'd seen it lying on the living room floor earlier, and I'd made a few jokes about it. Being beaten with a belt scares me a bit, and can always reduce me to tears, but the resulting catharsis is usually worth it.

He struck me with it, once, and then again, and I instantly sank into the deepest, most blissful subspace. I didn't make a sound, I don't think I even moved, as the belt crossed my flesh again and again. I didn't cry, and I think this is the first time the belt didn't have that affect on me. I think I was too far gone to cry.

Next came our big bull hide flogger, the one He bought for His birthday. It flicked against my ass a few times; then He stepped forward, grabbing me by the back of the neck and just holding me still while He flogged my upper back and shoulders.

My whole body started to tremble; my legs felt weak, like I couldn't support myself. It wasn't a bad feeling, not by any means...I was just so deep, so desperate for this treatment, that every inch of me wanted to submit to His lashes, to not worry about anything--even holding myself up--just sink into the floor and accept whatever He wanted to do to me...

The beatings stopped long enough for Him to toy with me, rubbing my clit with one hand and massaging my sensitive flogged skin with the other. I started to squirm, then, unable to process all the different sensations, and quickly found myself on my knees, my legs finally giving up.

Master pushed my face into the carpet, leaving my bottom high in the air, and delivered a few quick, hard swats with His hand.

Then He was finished, pulling me into His lap and comforting me. I couldn't respond, couldn't talk, could barely open my eyes after He removed the blindfold...I just let Him hold me, happily floating...

"That's just a taste of the things I'm going to do to you when we finally have the house to ourselves..." He whispered, kissing my forehead, smoothing back my hair. I looked up at Him.

"I think I'll go through every toy in the bag and use it on you..."

I'm hoping that was a promise.

After a few more minutes, He eased me back down to the floor, and drew me a bath while I relaxed on the floor. The warm water felt amazing against my reddened shoulders and backside...I felt all the tension from the past few days leave my body, and for the first time in weeks, I could truly be at peace...

We spent the rest of the evening together, watching TV and movies and other lame stuff. Today, we're cleaning up the house and waiting to see what will happen with the furniture...

But, I'm feeling much better about life...I'm just desperate for it to be Monday, so I can get everyone else out of the house and see what happens the next time we're alone...

~Bre

Moving Update

Sorry, guys! I just realized how long it's been since I wrote anything here...in fact, I think this is the longest I've ever gone without making a post...

I have a good reason, though: we're in the process of moving! I've spent a lot of the last week not having internet, or access to a computer, and the rest of the week being around my mom--so, time to get on kinky sites (or to sit down and write) has been basically non-existent.

Things have been stressful. More than stressful. Bordering on "nightmare" level. To sum up the past few days: my mom and my stepdad fought. Me and my mom fought. Me and Master fought. Me and Master fought with my mom.

Everyone apologized last night, and life is starting to calm down, I guess...Still, the continual changing of plans has me and my mom at the end of our ropes, which has been the cause of much chaos...

We've successfully moved most everything out of the apartment, with the exception of a few small boxes and the big furniture. No idea when  that's going to be moved, exactly...We keep getting our hopes up, but things keep not working out.

I suggested renting a UHaul--mom told me we didn't need to do that. She said we'd be able to use my stepdad's trailer. Then they started fighting. Then mom wanted to rent a UHaul. Then my stepbrother offered his trailer for last night. Then he couldn't get it unloaded, so it still didn't happen. Now we're back to either sometime tonight or sometime tomorrow (or maybe even Sunday), depending on when my stepdad actually gets home, which keeps changing...

Thankfully, it sounds like my mom and stepdad will both be gone by Monday, so everything should be settled by then. I can't wait. I'm dying to have some time with Master...I can't remember the last time the two of us had some real, quality time together, in the midst of all this nonsense...just have to keep my fingers crossed...

But, yeah, that's what's going on with us right now...I'll write more in a few days, when I actually have the time and we're actually moved in!

Hope you're all doing well!

~Bre

So Tired...

The past few days have been some of the most exhausting in my life. Rewarding, fulfilling--happy, even--but exhausting nonetheless.

It hasn't helped that, at every turn, we seem to run into some sort of obstacle, something that doesn't fit into our plans...but, we're overcoming them together, with as much calm and joy as we can muster, and that's all that matters.

Tuesday night, we took another huge load of furniture and boxes over to the house.

We also found out that Master won't be able to work from home, like we'd anticipated.

My mom offered to give us the house on the condition that Master would be able to work from home. Where His job is now...it's not far, but with our old, rundown car, and ever-increasing gas prices, Him commuting every day is something we just can't swing.

Turns out, there aren't any work-from-home positions in the special department that He's in. In fact, there aren't even any full-time positions: His pay would be taking a serious cut, and that's not something we can do.

Luckily, one of His managers offered to let Him carpool with her a few days a week...but, with schedules at His company constantly changing, God only knows how long that'll last, and what'll happen when that doesn't work anymore.

It also caused a huge blowout with my mom this morning. We had the same fight we've been having, on and off, for years: pressuring me to get a job. And, actually, I'm considering it: we still have the space for an office, and I wouldn't mind a part-time, stay-at-home job...Still, she's freaking out, like she always does, offering to help us find a different place to live, and generally trying to complicate things...

I think we've settled that, though, for the most part. For now.

We were up until 1 AM or so Wednesday morning, unpacking boxes upon boxes of old junk. My mom brought with her, on her last trip, all of my possessions from Hometown, since we finally have the room for them...This was particularly hard on me, because I'm a bit of a hoarder. I hated throwing out things that had so many memories attached to them...but, Master made sure I got things done.

When we finally went to bed, it wasn't for very long: we were up at 8, back at work again.

The amount of progress we've managed to make has been staggering, actually. We've got most things put away. Now, we're just waiting for my stepbrother to come and move the excess furniture: the couches we don't need, all his baby-stuff, the old TV...Supposedly, this will be happening on Sunday...

After two long days of constant work, we returned to the apartment last night. That's when we got hit by two other disasters: Master's computer, and my iPod.

His computer's been on its last leg for at least a month now. We thought it broke a long time ago, but He managed to keep it running, though barely. Well, last night, it finally gave up, and He had to buy a new tower...I guess it's okay, but it was expensive, and not something we really needed right now...

My iPod, too, almost kicked the bucket, but Master managed to salvage it with (of all things) a bag of rice. It seems to be working, but, every occasionally, it freaks out, and I'm not 100% sure that the fix was permanent...

Today...ugh...

I spent today on my hands and knees--and not in a sexy way, either. In a scrubbing-the-kitchen-floor-with-a-toothbrush way.

On top of that, I still had to pack boxes upon boxes of kitchen and living room stuff, vacuum, do the dishes...

My back is killing me. I'm so, so tired. Better yet, I left my allergy pills at the house, so I'm living in a dust-haze.

In the midst of everything, though, my submission has been shining. I thought, with all the stress, I'd crumble under the pressure and rebel. Instead, I've found myself going out of my way to please Him and make Him happy. I know He must be just as stressed as I am, if not more so, so I've been trying my hardest to make things easy on Him...

Even when I have had an attitude, due to being completely physically and emotionally drained, I've gotten over it pretty quickly, without any punishments, corrections, or internal guilt-trips. I'm actually amazed and proud at how well I've been doing.

And, hey! I think they may have found someone to rent the apartment to, because I haven't heard back from Rental Lady! Thank God, because, while the embarrassment has faded, I'm still not looking forward to seeing her around here again...

So, all in all....a lot of ups and downs...Trying to be positive, though, and hope for the best!

~Bre

Accidentally Outing Myself

God...Today, I could just crawl into a hole and die...I'm so embarrassed...

Every occasionally, I go through these phases where I get tired of hiding who I am and what we do, and I just want to shout my kinkiness from the rooftops. I've been feeling more confident and comfortable recently, enough so that I've been contemplating wearing my leather collar around my parents...enough that I've been able to talk, knowledgeably, with my sister about kink dynamics and movies (I didn't specifically say I'm involved in any of it, but it was a start).

I've felt pretty good about these small steps, and was interested to see if I'd ever have the balls to really come out to everyone.

Go figure. I just found out that I outed myself yesterday, to four strangers, and the woman who rents to us.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't feel good.

Everyone should know by now that Master and I are packing up and getting ready to move here in the next week or so. With this awesome life-change has come a not-so-awesome change: getting used to people walking through our apartment at all hours of the night and day. They always seem to come at the most inappropriate times, too (most notably, when we were trying to have sex last week), and, no matter how hard I try to plan and hide things, I feel like something's always out in the open.

Well, yesterday really took the cake.

I got a call from The Rental Place, asking if she could bring a few people around. I said sure. This time, I was confident that nothing was out in the open. The apartment was clean--as clean as it could be, with all the boxes around--our kink toys were packed up. I just threw a blanket over our sex-toy nightstand and told them to head over whenever.

A group of four, plus the rental woman, spent time walking up and down and around, asking questions and checking things out. In particular, they all stuck their noses in the bedroom closet, to see how much space was available.. I was so confident, smiling and joking and being fun, even though I just wanted these people out ASAP.

They left without anything exciting happening. I was so proud that I'd done well this time.

Or, so I thought.

Today, I've been going around the house, packing up more boxes, preparing to take another load or two over to the house tonight. We're going to be doing some laundry, too, so I opened the closet, to get some clothes hangers...

Our toy bag was open.

In the middle of the closet, and open. Floggers, canes, restraints, rope...everything is plainly visible and obvious.

That means that, when all those people were checking out the closet yesterday...they got a good, hard look at our toy collection, too.

Thank God none of them said anything, or made any comments. To my knowledge, they didn't even look at me funny...though, in hindsight, they might have left quickly, after that. I can't be sure.

All I know is, I'm horribly embarrassed. I don't know how I'll face that rental woman again, knowing she knows.

I'm so glad we're moving. The quicker, the better, at this point...ugh, I feel so stupid...

There goes my, 'woohoo, proud of my kink, screw everyone else!" spirit...

~Bre

Moving

Master and I have officially started moving!

It's about time, too, because I was starting to get a little antsy. We have to be out by the 25th, and still, my mom was putting off moving out her furniture, which meant there was no room for our stuff. She called me yesterday, though, around noon, and told me they had rented a trailer to move some things to Hometown, and I couldn't have been more relieved.

I've been spending the past few days packing as much of our non-essential items as I could...which, honestly, isn't a ton, but it's a start.

So, when Master finally got off work around 7, we loaded up maybe 4 or 5 boxes into our tiny car, plus a few small pieces of furniture: the tiny TV in the bedroom, our two cube-like bookshelves. Our poor car was overflowing, but we managed to make it to the house in one piece.

When we got there, I was shocked at how much progress my mom and stepdad had actually made! I'd thought, from the way she'd talked about the size of the trailer, that we'd still have a lot of work ahead of us...But, to my surprise, the main bedroom, one of the bathrooms, the office, and the hallway were completely cleared out! She'd even taken the pictures down off the living room walls and cleaned out the closets.

Since we hadn't eaten yet, and it was warm out, we decided to throw some food on the grill; we sat on the living room floor and watched the small TV they'd left behind while we ate. We cranked the volume, too, just to revel in the fact that our non-existent neighbors couldn't complain.

After we finished, we unloaded the car pretty quickly. We didn't bother actually unpacking the boxes, since it was almost 9, just stacked them in the hallway. We're planning on making a couple trips back and forth Tuesday night and Wednesday, to keep moving as much as our car can hold; that's probably when we'll start unpacking, too.

It was about 9:30 by the time we made it back to the apartment. It's weird...We didn't move much, in actuality--but things look so much different, without those few pieces that have been here for so long.

Master originally said He wanted some time to Himself, but we spent the evening together...first with some sex, then with a movie and popcorn. We didn't go to bed until sometime after 1, later than I've stayed up in weeks--but we didn't care.

This new step in our lives is so exciting, so unreal. I almost can't believe it's really happening: this place that we've called 'home' for 3 years now is about to be left behind, while we move on to an honest-to-goodness house. Master and I will have been together for 7 years this September, and we're moving into a house. It's hard to wrap my mind around completely.

As much as I'm looking forward to the move...I'm also scared, and sad. I've been living in this city for four years now, and I like it here. There are so many good memories here, in the apartment and on the streets. Good times spent with Master--the chaos of moving in together, the joys of our growing relationship, the ups and downs and wonderful craziness of our lives. Plus, good times spent with friends: Kitty and E, and all the amazing, kinky experiences we've had here as we've all grown closer and closer together.

It's hard to think that I won't be able to circle that nearby parking lot anymore, like I have so many times over the years...that I won't be able to look up and see the nearby college dorms that I've gotten so used to...that I won't be able to run across the street, to the convenience store, or down the block, to the pharmacy. Things will be different. Good different, I'm sure...but, still, change is hard.

It's weird. I've been looking forward to this for so, so long...but, now, as I'm packing up things that have been here for years, things we bought while living in this apartment...It's finally hitting me. We won't be here anymore. What I still call 'my mom's house' will be our house. There's no coming back, once we move.

Bleh. I'm too sentimental sometimes. I know that the new house will be amazing, that we'll be able to make even more fun memories there...still, I think it'll be harder than I anticipated, letting go of this place...

Otherwise, though, things are going well. I've been much more obedient, in a much better headspace recently. Our relationship has been great, even as we've been trying to rework through some of my sex issues--all the stress of the past few weeks has totally killed my sex drive, but Master is so patient and so, so good to me, as always...

We will, for sure, be into the new house by the 20th--according to my mom, at least, though I'm not sure how much I can trust that, at this point. It's definitely going to be an interesting experience, that's for sure!

~Bre

Trusting Him

Thank God Master is patient with me, that's all I can say today...Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is drive Him nuts...

Our little 'weekend' (since He gets Wednesdays and Thursdays off now--but had to go to work today) was supposed to start Tuesday night. He promised we'd spend that evening together, then run around town yesterday, hanging out and getting things accomplished.

Well, just like the broken toilet taught me last year: specific plans have a way of being upset.

Something happened Tuesday night. I can't go into any real details because, honestly, I'm afraid to. Let's just say it was an unwelcome reminder of some bad times in my past.

 Master and I had just gotten back from a nice walk when it happened, and suddenly, the world felt like it was crashing down around my head. I curled up on the couch, hugging my knees; I couldn't breathe; I wanted to throw up...

Master kept saying, "Don't worry, Breanna, I'll handle it. Stop stressing, it'll be okay."

I couldn't, though. I'm a worrier by nature, and somehow I felt, if I let this go and let Him take care of it, that everything would spiral out of control. I was afraid to trust Him that much--Him, the Man I've given my whole life to.

He joined me on the couch, held me in His arms, put a silencing finger to my lips. He told me everything would be okay...I'm a stronger person now than I was when we first moved in here, three years ago. I could overcome this. He would help me. I didn't need to worry--I just needed to let it go.

Still, I struggled with this on and off, through yesterday afternoon. I was obviously calmer by the morning, but that nagging anxiety kept coming back and back, so strongly I'd feel physically ill...All the plans we'd made the day before fell through. I'd managed to make myself sick the night before, from the state I was in, and it took a lot of time and effort before I felt like I could function at all. So, great, I still didn't make it to the doctor for more nose spray...

Around 7 PM, though, when I finally started to feel almost normal again, Master took me out to a few places, to cheer me up. We hit the local horse-tack store, where we picked up a few new toys; the sex shop, where I got a new dildo and a straightjacket (something I've wanted forever, and finally had the money for); and to pick up a few movies.

Of course, when we got home, we had to try everything out....except for the dildo. When Master tried to take the play in a sexual direction, I automatically freezed and freaked out like I haven't in months...

So, instead, we curled up with one of the movies. Master found little ways to try and bring me back to my happy place, like having me ask for permission before getting off the couch for anything...but I found it hard to just relax and enjoy...

Until this one amazing moment. I'd taken off my new leather collar earlier, to try on the straightjacket, so I went to put it back on. I saw one of our leashes on the floor, and I asked Master if He'd like to keep me leashed while I sat with Him. He agreed, but had me get our longer leash out of the back room...

I came back out with the other leash, knelt before Him, presented it...He clipped it onto my collar's O-ring...

And, somehow, that small "click" sound brought me right back where I needed to be. Everything snapped back into place so easily; suddenly, the world made sense again. He's my Master, I'm His property, and here I am, on the end of His leash...

It must have been obvious to Him, too, because He petted my hair and smiled. "See, property? Aren't things so much easier when you just relax and accept your place?"

"Yes, Master..."

I spent the rest of the evening sitting on the floor, while He held my leash. It was heavenly.

When we finally went to bed, maybe an hour later, I didn't object when He wanted to go down on me. Considering how I'd reacted to any earlier mention of sex, it was amazing that I didn't protest at all: just calmed down and accepted whatever He wanted to do to me.

I'm feeling so much better today, too. I'm refusing to stress about the issue that seemed like the end of the world this time yesterday. Master's right: even if I can't always see it, I know I've grown and changed a lot, for the better, these past few years. I'm not the same person I used to be. I don't have to be afraid. More than that, I've settled back into my nice headspace, able to trust Him completely...

Thank You, Master...I don't know what I'd do without You...

~Bre

P.S. Had to take a moment and give a huge shout-out to Lexi over at Love and Chains! Thank you so much for all your nice words! Also, my readers may also want to go check her out: the two of us seem to have a lot in common. In particular, her recent post, "Insecure", really speaks to me, and the struggles I've been facing in my own submission.  

A Collar, Cuffs, and Heels

It's no secret: the past few weeks, I've been struggling to maintain a good headspace.

Obeying Master's orders has been a lot harder--so has feeling submissive.

But, finally, things seem to be looking up, thanks, in part, to two things.

Firstly, Master and I had a long talk last night, after He got home from work. He hasn't seemed much like Himself recently...I've felt like I haven't had any time with Him at all, and, for the most part, He hasn't seemed very interested in our dynamic. Apart from the Hitachi incident the other day (which was really more to prove a point, than for any sexual reason), He's not even been using me...which, considering He was using me almost every night before, is a big change!

We got to talk about it, though, and He told me what's been going on with Him. Apparently, His new schedule, along with changing job positions, has left Him feeling drained, too. We worked through a few things that He said would help Him in the future, and I automatically felt better, knowing that He was willing to communicate with me, and that things can change for the better now.

Secondly...I've got some new physical reminders to help me out.

Yesterday, I received what will probably be our last package from sub-shop.com (For those who haven't heard, they're going out of business. It's a shame, too--that's one of our favorite stores, and I'm going to miss it so much!).

Since we've had a little extra money recently, and everything there is on sale, Master surprised me with two presents that I've been wanting forever: a collar, and a set of ankle cuffs.

I know, I have a ton of collars, including the chainmaille one that I've been wearing around recently. The problem is, with my neck being so sensitive, it's been hard finding anything that's comfortable 24/7. This newest one, though, (the Kinky Kitten Leather Choker), sits higher on my neck than most other collars, which means it doesn't rub (or, at least, it hasn't yet rubbed) against the sensitive, easily-irritated skin. The leather is so soft, too, and I love the tiny attached O-ring.

The cuffs are a little more meaningful, for a few reasons. My wrists and ankles are so small (about 5 inches and 7 inches, respectively) that I have difficulty finding cuffs that fit me well. We usually have to punch an extra hole in them, and, still, they'll slip and slide all over the place.

These cuffs (which, I guess, have already been sold out) fit me perfectly, though. Even Master was shocked at how well they fit. They're so, so comfortable, and I love them! Which is perfect, because my ankles really ground me to my submission.

Sounds kind of silly, I know, but it's true: ankle cuffs can put me in a headspace almost faster than a collar. It conjures up all these beautiful images for me, of women with their ankles chained, and slave girls with pretty silver bracelets and bells around their ankles....Plus, it's such a control thing: you can still move freely with a collar on; wrist cuffs can restrain you a bit, but you could still get away; but, the person who controls your ankles controls your mobility. You can't run, you can barely walk...you're stuck.

Master let me sleep with them on last night, and, aside from showering, I haven't taken them off since they came in the mail yesterday.

So, today, I'm not feeling great. I've had the most awful sick headache for days now, thanks to the fact that I ran out of my allergy nose spray last week...Normally, I'd let that bother me, and I'd spend the whole day doing nothing...

But, despite how awful I feel, I got up, I showered, I got dressed. I put my collar and cuffs back on, plus a pair of high heels. I know Master would like me to be more feminine, so I've been trying to learn to walk in heels, slowly but surely...I started with a very short heel and have been working my way up--my current pair is 3 inches.

And, in my collar, cuffs, and heels, I've gone about my day, doing my chores and getting everything organized.

Every time I pass a mirror and see that leather buckled around my neck, every time I look down and see these amazingly beautiful cuffs around my ankles, every time I hear my heels clicking against the tile floors...I think of Master. I remember that I'm loved, and that I'm His. I remember my place, as His property, and that I want, more than anything, to make Him happy...

And that thought has kept me focused, has kept me centered, no matter how I feel or what else is going on...

~Bre